In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
