Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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