I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The ass gains better be worth it
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
