Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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