I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize