Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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