Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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