We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
