good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she smelled like a LAN party
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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