Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
