I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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