Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
