I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
