I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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