can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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