I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
