Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
