Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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