I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
