Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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