Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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