my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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