She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
