Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
