did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
