I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
