just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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