It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize