got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
