You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
