So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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