If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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