So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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