Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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