he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
