afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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