and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
