There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
