Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
