this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
