the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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