I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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