He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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