John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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