3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
