I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
