apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
