I'm really into asian looking animals
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
