I'd wear matching sweaters with you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
