my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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