my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
