Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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