He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
