So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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