If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
