I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
