Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
