Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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