It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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