you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize