Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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