my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize