When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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