So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
