It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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