ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
