it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
