I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
