Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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