Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
