Where did you get a picture of my penis
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
