just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
