So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
