I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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