You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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